How To Help A Loved One Through ED Recovery At A Distance
As I type this, those struggling with eating disorders are facing a difficult future. Bearing the weight of being separated from those they love and draw support from, and for an increasing amount of time, it’s becoming hard for those recovering alone to see a way forward. With diet culture weighing so heavily on all of us right now, the circumstances we face have created a perfect breeding ground for the isolation eating disorders need to thrive.
Nobody knows this better than the loved ones they are currently, enforcedly, separated from. Everyone has every reason to be worried about their friends, family and partners at right now, but those kept apart from the people they care for through recovery are some of the most affected by our lockdown. With approximately 1.25 million people in the UK currently battling an eating disorder, this is an issue that cannot be overlooked.
So, we set out to collect as much practical, hands-on information as we could to help everyone who’s struggling. Seeking advice from Beat Eating Disorders Support and collating guidance of our own, we hope the words and resources you see here will help remind you there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, and there are so many ways to take care of loved ones – and yourselves – through this process.
Acceptance is the only way to move forward, healthily and happily, in this situation. As hard as it is, acknowledging this new reality you’re both living through allows you to create a calm, comfortable and clean slate to continue your journey together on. Coming to terms with the distance between you, and learning to treat yourself with more kindness through the process, is really key to caring for another from afar. You’ll need to make the space for a little more clarity in your heart and mind, and do your best to let go of the anxieties you face around your loved one right now – trust us, they’ll hinder more than they help.
Doing this is undoubtedly easier said than done, but a great place to start the work is by considering what you can and can’t control. By allowing yourself to life will run much smoother for the pair of you. Know that neither you, nor your loved one, are to blame for any of this. And together, you’ll soon be doing everything you can to improve the things inside your scope of management.
Once you’ve mastered making peace with things, moving onto more practical steps will feel much easier, we promise. There are plenty of tools you can implement when caring for someone at a distance, and you’ll be surprised to realise how many are similar to your usual routine. Starting with your language, this is an area to be extra vigilant. Be sure you’re considerate with the topics you mention, and a ban on all diet talk should always be in place. Try not to fall into the trap of mixed messaging – having one rule for your own food and another for theirs that you openly mention – and do your best to ensure none of the fatphobic ‘jokes’ we see floating around social media ever come into the conversation.
Try helping them dismantle the diet culture discourse going on around quarantine, as they may be hearing bits from friends, family or through their own social accounts. They will always find the reassurance of someone close to them helpful, so a reminder of their worth outside of dieting, restriction or the size of their body will help them stay on track. Arm them with the knowledge and strength they need to stay committed to recovery – not for you, but for themselves, their future beyond this and your connection together. Here at The Unedit, we have a number of great resources just for this. Simply check out our Body Talk section, and get sharing with them.
Another approach to aiding them, suggested by Beat, is organising your time together. Taking up routine digital contact and arranging check-in days will really help your loved one day-to-day while you’re apart. By providing the two of you with a schedule of care, you’ll put in place healthy boundaries and expectations while spending some valuable, quality time together. Perhaps try for a twice weekly phone call, reaching out to them on their terms as much as possible in the beginning. From there family-wide Zoom calls, mealtime Facetime sessions and an open avenue of text conversation will hopefully flow naturally. And if your loved one can’t quite cope with seeing themselves on camera, then you can always encourage the post-it trick – have them place a post-it note over the part of the screen they see themselves on, meaning you’ll still be able to visually check-in on them but they won’t feel triggered by constantly seeing themselves too.
Faking as much in-person contact as possible will do you wonders, as will some more serious setups also. On their Instagram, Beat shares two key approaches to helping your loved one manage their symptoms on their own. These devices can be put in place solely by them, but we’d recommend you act as their check-in and cheerleader on these when needed. The first is the ‘Traffic Light’ method, most helpful if your loved one is following a meal plan or typically sticks to similar foods. The charity suggests you “try a traffic light system on your meal plans, noting which foods are safe, challenging but manageable or very challenging. Meals involving more red or amber foods are could require more support from family or friends.”
The second approach is their patented ‘BLAST’ system. “It’s understandable that people with an eating disorder are feeling more stressed and anxious at this uncertain time. Eating disorders can trigger certain emotions”, Beat shares, and after spending their time numbed out to the world when the disorder was most active, learning to recognise their feelings can be lifesaving. “A way to support yourself or a loved one could be thinking through BLAST, and what to do if you feel Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed or Tired.” Set up a conversation with your loved one around this to discuss their ideas on coping with each of the emotions suggested, and give them any advice they may ask for on how you see them doing this best also.
In these times, practicing self-care mentally, physically and creatively is a must. This runs both ways, for yourself and your loved one. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup, right? And your loved one can’t receive without an open, cared-for mind. So, how exactly can you implement this self-care? And how will you know if they’re struggling any more than usual, or enough to warrant fear of a relapse? That part’s mostly down to them, but you can get to grips the tell-tale signs too.
As the sufferer of an eating disorder yourself, you know all too well the need to look out for certain changes. When you’re feeling low enough to ignore self-care, thinking about food more often than normal, obsessing over your choices to the point of inaction, feeling unappreciative of anyone’s efforts to intervene, finding yourself getting sucked back in to the diet mentality or engaging in more body checking behaviours – these are all usually pretty strong signs that you’re struggling. As a carer, asking your loved one to communicate with you openly on these things could be the best tool we’ve shared. Set them an example of how to talk confidently and unashamedly on these things, and hopefully they’ll feel comfortable enough to reach out soon after.
All in all, while this is undoubtedly one of the hardest phases of anyone’s recovery journey, there are still positives to be found. There are new ways of living and loving for us to create, right here and right now. We only hope this advice will help you get there.
As a carer of a loved one, if you would like further support then please access The Aviary, Beat’s new peer support group. Running online calls from 19:00 to 20:15pm every Tuesday and Sunday, Beat says ‘The Aviary is a confidential, inclusive and welcoming space for anyone supporting someone with an eating disorder’ and is accessible to join here. As a person in recovery, Beat’s helplines run from 12:00 to 20:00pm every weekday and from 16:00 to 20:00pm on weekends. Simply give them a call on 08088 010 677, or pop into their DMs for support. Currently, Beat are facing a 30% drop in income due to the virus while navigating a 35% increase in demand for their services. Follow Beat Eating Disorder Support on Instagram, or follow this link to their website to donate.
