Humpday: Dominant In The Street, Submissive In The Sheets?
With the hype building surrounding the last instalment of Fifty Shades of Grey hitting cinemas, it’s no wonder why sex toy sales spiked upon each of the other releases, not to mention some hilarious sex-related injuries and trips to A&E in the news. I don’t think cinema staff have been too happy about finding, ahem, evidence... left behind after a showing, but that's not what this week is about. Even though such evidence in the bedroom can be perhaps innovative and outgoing, I’m more interested in the person receiving the pain and pleasure from these Grey-inspired gizmos and gadgets: the submissive.
Personally, I like being dominated in the bedroom. I'm quite strong-minded in all other areas of my life, so it’s nice to kick back, relax and let them take over, doing whatever they want to me in the most pleasurable way possible. I would not consider myself an actual submissive when it comes to sex by the BDSM definition of being “ready to conform to the authority or will of others; meekly obedient or passive”, which generally strongly involves bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism & masochism (S&M). All of the aforementioned can be pretty painful if you have a low pain threshold or it's just not your bag. But, BDSM aside - not demeaning or stealing the terms ‘dominant’ and ‘submissive’ from the culture, but simply highlighting the nature of the behaviours of both in the bedroom with people who do not actively participate in BDSM - speaking to other females about their position of dominance over their lover in the bedroom was fascinating and a pattern started to occur.
The more vocally expressive and strongly opinionated women preferred taking a more submissive stance in the bedroom, such as being ordered by their lover to perform a certain act or position, and the shyer women that I know actually reveal their dominant and more controlling behaviours behind closed doors. To them, their dominance can include the use of sex toys and other tidbits, such as blindfolds, handcuffs, belts etc. To others it just involves each other playing out their fantasies and trying new things, but still remaining fully in control. Having said that, this is by no means a true correlation for all people who possess these traits, but it's definitely true of my closer friends. Whilst it's best when there's trust present between the two (or three or more — kudos) parties, there’s something about playing out an alter-ego or ultra-hyped version of yourself when in the bedroom. The bedroom was where the likes of Sasha Fierce were born, so exploring can prove not only sexually satisfying, but financially. Well, if you're Beyoncé and your sexual alter-ego inspires you to make a bestselling album, that is.
Erin Zammett Ruddy wrote a column for Marie Claire last August relaying a story as told to her by a submissive. The confessor explained, “I love that Fifty Shades of Grey has gotten women talking more honestly about their fantasies, but I hate that the book perpetuates the notion that a Dom must be messed up to be into this kind of sex. People who aren't in the BDSM world think that Doms and subs are broken people. Subs supposedly have no backbone, have daddy issues. I am completely alpha at home and work. I have two full-time employees and am a bossy boss. Subs are not doormats. We are just expressing darker sides of ourselves the way everyone else probably has some fetish they're afraid to share.” Basically: it's okay to have these fantasies and want to manifest them.
There are also women who are dominant in both their everyday lives and the bedroom. I don’t know how they have the energy to be dominant in both, but whatever they eat and drink I’ll have five of. There are also women who like to be submissive in both their everyday and sex lives too, and there is nothing wrong with that either. If they trust the decision making of the person who they consider as their ‘dominant’ partner, their sex set-up can be equally as fulfiling.
An equally important thing to remember is that, just like everything else, stereotypes surrounding submissives and dominants need to be left at the door. Using the likes of Fifty Shades and common social stereotyping to make your mind up about what kind of people are subs or doms will most definitely have you barking up the wrong tree. Fiercely dominant lady bosses don't necessarily become PVC-wearing, whip-wielding dominatrixes at the sight of a full moon. And the same goes for the other way around. Like all submissive and dominant aspects of life - whether that be career or sex - a key part of it is having established boundaries and a clear understanding of the relationship between both yourself and your partner, whichever role you choose to partake when it comes to getting down to business.
So whatever you like to do in the bedroom, I hope it brings you immense pleasure, regardless of how dominant, or submissive, you choose to be.
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Happy Humpday.
